we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
