seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
