Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize