Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
