I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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