Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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