I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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