Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize