New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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