every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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