I'm so fucking centered right now
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
