nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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