he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
