turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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