i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
