the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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