His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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