he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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