my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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