I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
