Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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