Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
