I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
you made out with another girl for some wings
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
