We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
