Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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