all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
