And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
