Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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