I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
