Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
