So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
