i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
