I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
