Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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