Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
