If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
