I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
