Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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