I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
