I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
