I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
