you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
