I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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