You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
