when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
