are you still at the devil's house?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
