There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
