Yo dont text me then not text me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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