I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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