From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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