Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
