A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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