Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
