I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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