If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I did not marry a roomba.
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