Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
