im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
