He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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