I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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