Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
