yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
