get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
