Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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