Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
