GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
